Worst Day

I feel so dumb right now; I don't even know how to articulate it. Unfortunately I have a feeling that once you read the rest of this post, you will be shaking your head at me in disbelief. I don't even know why I'm writing now, probably because I can't get a hold of anyone and don't know what else to do. I was planning on going to Cinque Terre tomorrow with my friend Emma, I packed up all my things—passport, documents, money, train tickets (that I bought for her and I, for about 150 Euro), clothes and threw a towel on top because I was going to the beach today with some other friends and planned on taking a train straight from there to Rome, staying the night in Rome, and then getting up bright and early for what surely would have been the best weekend of my trip. I was waiting at the nearby the fire station for Giulia to pick me up when I realized I forgot some papers that I could use for my research while I was away. It was a tug-a-war inside my mind; what to do—return to the house (it was only 5 minutes down a dirt road) or go without the papers. I decided to go down the dirt road, but I didn't want to make Giulia wait. Since I've actually only seen one other person use that road--my neighbor—I decided to slide my bag in some bushes and run home so I wouldn't waste time. WORST DECISION OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. I ran home, grabbed the papers, and ran back—all in about 5 minutes. I passed the spot where my backpack was, realized it, and turned around to grab it. It wasn't there. My word, obviously I should have never let something carrying so many important things—passport, documents, credit card, money, train tickets, my camera, even my diary/field journal and a letter to a friend—out of my sight. I wish a million times that I was capable of going back in time—not making such a dumb mistake, but I can't now...

I ran into the nearby fire station and tried to explain my problem to 6 men who didn't speak any English; one man came to help who spoke some English. So, here I am, stressing, with a lump the size of Texas in my throat, and feeling more dumb than I ever have in my life because what happened was 100% my fault. It wasn't an unlucky thing; I honestly think I would feel better right now had someone robbed me face to face... I jotted a few numbers down before my phone completely died—Diego and Mara's (host family), my bishops, Emma’s, and my friend Guilia—who was on her way to get me. My phone died, the firemen called the police, who came. They also didn't speak English. Now, I am definitely learning Italian and getting better, but trying to explain something like this in Italian was probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Diego's dad, bless his heart, came to the station and we drove to the police station to file a report. I just can't believe how things changed so quickly from being so great to so miserable. I have no documents, hardly any money, and the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't want to talk to anyone because it was such a dumb mistake, and I feel so miserable already that I don't think I could take someone giving me one of those 'are-you-serious?' looks. I wish I could talk to my mom, but although Emma was able to get a hold of her and let her know what happened, my phone is now dead and I can't get to her through Skype. I am in serious need of a 45 minute long hug, but don't even feel like I deserve that right now. :/

I'm trying not to be pessimistic, since the moment it happened, I tried to find a solution and the silver lining. But right now, I'm lost for both... I am so grateful for everyone and their help, but so sick that I did this. Ah, how a split second decision and 5 minutes can change everything so quickly. I dread talking to anyone... I have this complex where I don't cry, but if anyone made me feel worse, by reinforcing how dumb of a mistake I just made was or showed me any sympathy, I think the tears would come. I don't mean to be melodramatic, and writing this out has helped. Guess it's time to put on my big girl panties and stop feeling sorry for myself. I did this, I take responsibility, and I will figure it out. This isn't going to ruin my trip.